What Makes Your State Great? North Carolina

Today I take on North Carolina in my quest to promote the wonders of a secular society; a society structured not around religious doctrine, but instead governed by reason and laws- laws such as the following which can be found on the books in North Carolina...

1. In the city of Barber, it is illegal for dogs and cats to fight one another. 
2. While having sex, you must stay in the missionary position and have the shades pulled.
3. Elephants may not be used to plow cotton fields.
4. It is illegal to have sex in a churchyard.
5. No one may visit their departed loved ones late at night.
6. Oral sex is considered a crime against nature.

There are more, but you get the idea.  Numbers 1 and 3 interest me. Was there a reason behind #1? Did Michael Vick move into Barber? 

#3 Just makes me make that face

Seriously?

Numbers 2, and 6 are pretty obvious examples of a blurry line between church and state. If your shades are pulled, how will they know if you're doing it missionary or if you're on page 86 of the Kama Sutra? And what about same sex couples? Is it still missionary if the girl is on the top and the bottom? As for oral sex being a crime against nature: I'm pretty sure that if we weren't supposed to do it, something bad would happen; maybe an electric shock or something akin to hemlock poisoning; your bank account would suddenly become overdrawn, your septic tank would back up. Something.

Number 4 is just plain bad manners. Number 5 is a little unfair. What if you work 2nd shift and the only time you get to pay your respects to Aunt Betty is after 11pm? I think if Wal-Mart is open 24 hours, the cemetery ought to be too. If you ask me, people ought to do more visiting the dead and less shopping anyway. Nobody ever ran themselves into debt or made questionable purchases like a Shake Weight while venerating their ancestors.

Fitness eh? If you say so...

I've got to wrap this up. I have an elephant to return.

Hail North Carolina!

What Makes Your State Great? Rhode Island

And now you know.
Hail Rhode Island!

What Makes Your State Great? Vermont

Okay, here’s the deal. I have had a weird hectic day, and while I don’t think Vermont is any less important than the other states, I don’t have the energy to be either funny or erudite.

Vermont was the first state to abolish slavery, the first state to formally recognize same sex relationships, the fourth state to allow same sex marriage, and the last state to get a Wal-Mart. Then there’s Ben and Jerry’s. Vermont is also (according to the 2008 ARIS report) the least religious state in the union, with a whopping 34 percent of people saying they are not religious at all. Imagine that--all those people treating other people like human beings just because.

Hmmm…Don’t sell people, marry who you love, eat ice cream, resist Wal-Mart to the bitter end, go skiing. I’m tempted to say Vermont is not just a great state-it’s the greatest state.

Hail Vermont!

Photo credit Michael Bonfigli

What Makes Your State Great? Kentucky

I know what you’re thinking. You’re thinking that since today is Kentucky day, and I am who I am, that I’m going to indulge in some juvenile giggle fest by posting about Big Bone Lick State Park, located on Beaver Road, just outside of Beaverlick Kentucky. HA! You don’t know me as well as you think you do. I have something else on my mind today.

Do you know what that ^ is? That is a photo of the side of my computer. It functions as a sort of bulletin board for me. Those brightly colored squares of paper contain phone numbers and addresses, grocery lists, birthday reminders, chore lists, tarot spreads I’d like to try, herbs I need to get, correspondences, bits of prayers and inspirational quotes, incantations, lyrics to songs, and recipes. It is basically an annex for my brain, holding things I don’t have room for in my cranium yet still need to be able to access quickly. My organizational skills absolutely depend on the great state of Kentucky, for here and only here is where 3M Post-it® Notes are manufactured, in the charming and picturesque city of Cynthiana, Kentucky.

I have a thing for Post-its. I can’t use the generic ones. For one thing, the glue doesn’t hold up. The most important function of a Post-it is its ability to stick to things; the off brand ones flutter to the floor the instant the temperature fluctuates or a cat hair gets too close. Also, the paper is of inferior quality and makes my ink or pencil smear; so it’s imperative that my Post-its only be the real deal made in Cynthiana.

We use a lot of Post-its in our house. Not only are they good for the aforementioned things, but they are superior tools of passive-aggressive warfare. My house is papered with snide remarks and “friendly” reminders to do things like shut the front door, put the toilet paper ON the spindle, throw the trash IN the can, and clean the catbox “when you get a minute.” I do believe that if we ever went to family counseling and developed healthy communication skills, 3M would go belly up. It’s in the best fiscal interest of the good people of Cynthiana that my household remain locked in a battle of wills.

For some reason, 3M won’t divulge how many Post-it Notes they crank out a year. It’s some sort of trade secret, although I can’t imagine how it’s relevant. Of course, since they don’t want me to know, I’m absolutely dying of curiosity. It’s like 3M is waging their own passive-aggressive war against me. They know I want to know, and they won’t tell me, and they know I’m not going to boycott because I rely on them to win my own petty skirmishes. It’s all very Machiavellian.

Here’s to Kentucky, home of Post-it Notes. Thank you for keeping me organized and victorious.

What Makes Your State Great? Tennessee

What Makes Your State Great? Tennessee!

What is it about the Volunteer State that draws people like bees to nectar? Is it the breathtaking vistas of the Great Smoky Mountains? The awe inspiring magnitude of the Cumberland Gap?  Do they want to see the place that inspired Harry Warren and Mack Gordon to write a li’l ol’ song about a choo choo train? Are they packing up the kiddies and heading for a fun filled family vacation to Dollywood? Maybe they’re reveling in the rich musical history of the Grand Ole Opry, or paying their respects to The King at Graceland? Wait, surely it must be the barbeque?

No.

What makes Tennessee great can be distilled down to two words: Tennessee whiskey. This libation is so distinct that it actually has a legal definition, and if a whiskey doesn’t fit that definition, it cannot by law call itself Tennessee whiskey. That’s pretty fancy for corn squeezins, and when it comes to corn squeezins, nobody is more famous for their use than the Jack Daniel’s Distillery in Lynchburg Tennessee. Reportedly the best selling whiskey in the world, Jack Daniel’s is probably responsible for more births than any other beverage. It has inspired a plethora of country and western songs and more than a few rock‘n’roll songs. And while the powers-that-be at the JD distillery might disagree with me, I would bet that more than one long term prison sentence can be laid squarely at the feet of Old No. 7. Why, without Tennessee whiskey, there might not even be country music! No Opry. No Dollywood. No Hee Haw.

So the next time you extol the virtues of sobriety, think where we would be without Tennessee whiskey, and ask yourself, “WWJDD?”