Wednesday, November 9, 2011

What Makes Your State Great? North Carolina

Today I take on North Carolina in my quest to promote the wonders of a secular society; a society structured not around religious doctrine, but instead governed by reason and laws- laws such as the following which can be found on the books in North Carolina...

  1. In the city of Barber, it is illegal for dogs and cats to fight one another. 
  2. While having sex, you must stay in the missionary position and have the shades pulled.
  3. Elephants may not be used to plow cotton fields.
  4. It is illegal to have sex in a churchyard.
  5. No one may visit their departed loved ones late at night.
  6. Oral sex is considered a crime against nature.
There are more, but you get the idea.  Numbers 1 and 3 interest me. Was there a reason behind #1? Did Michael Vick move into Barber? 
#3 Just makes me make that face

Numbers 2, and 6 are pretty obvious examples of a blurry line between church and state. If your shades are pulled, how will they know if you're doing it missionary or if you're on page 86 of the Kama Sutra? And what about same sex couples? Is it still missionary if the girl is on the top and the bottom? As for oral sex being a crime against nature: I'm pretty sure that if we weren't supposed to do it, something bad would happen; maybe an electric shock or something akin to hemlock poisoning; your bank account would suddenly become overdrawn, your septic tank would back up. Something.

Number 4 is just plain bad manners. Number 5 is a little unfair. What if you work 2nd shift and the only time you get to pay your respects to Aunt Betty is after 11pm? I think if Wal-Mart is open 24 hours, the cemetery ought to be too. If you ask me, people ought to do more visiting the dead and less shopping anyway. Nobody ever ran themselves into debt or made questionable purchases like a Shake Weight while venerating their ancestors.

Fitness eh? If you say so...

I've got to wrap this up. I have an elephant to return.

Hail North Carolina!

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I'm a witch and I'm not above hexing. Just sayin'.